A parent says, “Look far ahead,” while a school parent says, “Focus on what’s in front of you.”
A parent says, “Let’s go together,” while a school parent says, “Go ahead alone.”
A parent says, “Dream,” while a school parent doesn’t allow time for dreams.
Are you a parent, or are you a school parent?
Returning to the role of a true parent is the beginning of genuine education.
This was a message from a 2010 public service advertisement. When I first saw this ad on TV, it felt like a punch to the head. At the time, my children were in middle school. I had tried to focus on fostering self-directed learning habits rather than just visible grades. However, I sometimes found myself thinking, “I’m a teacher, but if my children don’t perform well, it would be embarrassing.” This thought revealed the presence of a school parent’s mindset within me.
Understanding the Parent vs. School Parent Dichotomy
It was purely about saving face. When I saw my colleagues’ children competing at the top of their classes, I felt envious. When I heard that sending children to certain academies greatly improved their grades, I wanted to send my kids there too. One day, I sent my children to a well-known academy to help with their math grades, which weren’t improving. After taking a placement test, they were assigned to a class that matched their level. The tuition was expensive, so I hoped they would learn well. I felt it was a waste if they missed a session. I sent them to the academy with money saved by scrimping on household expenses. However, the academy didn’t suit my children. They didn’t want to go. Still, I kept sending them, hoping things would improve. Eventually, they quit after a few months. My children wasted precious time and effort. The time spent going to, waiting at, and returning from the academy was all wasted. The academy experience yielded nothing, and I felt like I had just paid for the academy’s operating costs with my hard-earned money.
There were many instances where I wasted money this way. It would have been less regrettable if I had spent that money on things my children enjoyed. Every parent wants their child to live a happy life. They desperately hope their children will gain the strength to live in the world. I know well that self-esteem is more important than academics for children. However, I sometimes found myself slipping into the mindset of a school parent.
“You must trust me completely.”
The Role of Media and Society in Shaping Parental Expectations
There was a drama that once boasted the highest viewership rating of 23.8%. It was JTBC’s drama Sky Castle. The storyline resonated with every parent and school parent in Korea. The drama depicted the lives of the top 0.1% of people living in a luxurious residential complex built by Korea’s best hospital, called “Sky Castle.” The common wish of the parents living there was to send their children to prestigious universities. They waged a war of entrance exams, using any means necessary—time, money, connections. The drama exposed the dark reality of our society, where the desires of school parents, not true parents, were starkly portrayed.
The parents of a gifted student were willing to verbally abuse, beat, and even imprison their son to get him into Seoul National University Medical School. To take revenge on his parents, the son studied exactly as they instructed. He followed the advice of the admissions coordinator, Kim Ju-young. He eventually got into Seoul National University Medical School, but as soon as he received his acceptance letter, he ran away from home, leaving the acceptance letter behind. His mother was so shocked that she committed suicide.
In the end, the boy’s father realized his mistakes and sought his son’s forgiveness. Although it was just a drama, I was relieved by the outcome. It didn’t feel like a story from another world. How many similar situations occur in real life? The boy’s parents were school parents, betting everything on their child’s success for the sake of their own reputation.
The Hidden Costs of Academic Pressure
What shocked me most in Sky Castle were the methods used by Kim Ju-young, the admissions coordinator, to improve students’ grades. She mobilized famous instructors for subject-specific coaching, managed the interior design of study rooms, controlled student records, monitored friendships, and even leaked exam papers—using all legal and illegal means to ensure admission to prestigious universities. The coordination fee she charged was unimaginable to ordinary people. However, having money wasn’t enough to hire her; parents had to pass her screening process through documents and interviews. School parents treated Kim Ju-young as a superior being.
Cha Min-hyuk, the cold-hearted patriarch, was highly authoritarian. As a “dirt spoon” who had succeeded through relentless effort, he demanded that his children aim to live at the top of the social pyramid. His daughter lived a lie, pretending to have been admitted to Harvard to meet his expectations. Fortunately, her mother was different from her father, and thanks to her courage, the twins and the daughter found their way back to a normal life.
Finding a Balance: Encouraging Holistic Development
The most notable character in the drama was Kwak Mi-hyang. She was a former teacher turned full-time housewife, who had lived a difficult life under an alcoholic father but managed to succeed through sheer determination. She perfectly supported her husband and meticulously educated her two daughters, becoming the envy of everyone in “Sky Castle.” Like a helicopter, she hovered around her children, overprotecting them—an archetypal helicopter mom. She knew everything about what her children were doing and solved all their problems, even making deals with store owners when her child shoplifted, insisting the stress-driven behavior should be allowed to continue. She controlled every aspect of her children’s lives without them even noticing, willing to sell her soul to the devil for their sake—a true school parent.
Watching Sky Castle made me think a lot. While it was a drama, it was very thought-provoking. Although it ended with a happy ending and there were some exaggerated portrayals of school parents, some viewers expressed regret for not being more powerful parents themselves. But is this behavior only seen in dramas? As parents, we should know what our children love and excel at. However, many become school parents, pushing their children to study, believing that academic success is the only way to enjoy the privileges of the top social stratum.
Because of this social atmosphere, buildings in affluent neighborhoods are overflowing with academies. The industry never suffers from a recession. Once an academy gains some fame, tuition fees skyrocket. Numerous academy vehicles shuttle children from school to academy, where they spend their days surviving on kimbap, cup rice, and cup noodles, attending multiple academies. By the time they return home, the evening is already over, sometimes even late at night. The problem is that many parents only realize they’ve pushed their children too hard after the damage is done, leading to deep regret and reflection. Previously, this exhaustion was common in middle school students, but now the age has dropped. Even in elementary schools, you can see children struggling, rendered powerless by the excessive selfishness of school parents. It’s time to reflect on what we are educating for and for whom we are doing it.
In Park Dae-jin’s book, I Am Still Far From Being a Mom, he mentions the “first contract” that many mothers unwittingly enter into:
“Before their children enter elementary school, many mothers vow not to subject them to private education, hoping they will just grow up healthy and play as children should. But when they see other children ahead of theirs, they start to doubt whether they are doing the right thing. Some mothers manage to raise geniuses through reading and experiential learning without private education, so shouldn’t I at least make sure my child doesn’t fall behind? ‘I’m not an education expert, nor do I have a firm educational philosophy, so is my stubbornness causing my child to fall behind?’ This is how mothers begin to waver. Eventually, even those who resist for a long time find themselves knocking on the door of private education.”
Conclusion: Reflecting on Your Role as a Parent
Parents struggle between ideals and reality. Even though children are supposed to learn Korean in first grade, parents start to worry when they see their child’s friends reading fluently and writing with ease. It’s not about getting ahead but about whether their child can keep up. The fear that their child might fall behind turns parents into school parents. However, my experience as a first-grade teacher has taught me that children will do well if you trust them. It’s not about when they learn Hangul or how much they know. What matters is providing timely education. If parents don’t become anxious, trust and support their children, and help them build self-esteem, children will succeed with ease. You just need to truly believe in your child.
